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Learning to Dad with Tyler Ross 018 - Thomas Benjamin

Speaker 2: Hi there and [00:00:30] welcome to learning to dad. I'm with Thomas Benjamin. My man, who last time we talked had not had a baby yet. And some of the things he said were

Speaker 3: So young and naive,

Speaker 2: And now that you've been exposed to the real world, what it's like to be a parent and a spouse to a mother and all of these things we get to really wrap. So I'm glad to talk to you, man. It's good.

Speaker 3: Good to see you as well. Thanks for, uh, you and I have not really talked at length other than [00:01:00] the usual text threads that we're on. So it's it. It'll be nice to actually have a full catch-up. Maybe it's interesting to the masses. It's an inside joke would take

Speaker 2: So many people are down there.

Speaker 3: Well, it's TBD if anyone cares, but, um, I'm happy to talk to you, whatever, whatever opportunity I have to catch up with you, it's like, you know, it's found money at this point.

Speaker 2: It's so cool that we get to see actually see each other for those listening, where we'll [00:01:30] be uploaded on YouTube as well, where you can actually see what Tommy looks like, how he moves, how he looks, the way he dresses weight keeps his hair. Okay.

Speaker 3: Right. This, this cough right now. Uh, yeah, darker than usual. Maybe the lighting. I don't know. I also don't go outside anymore. I basically, you know, when you have a infant, like you're basically act like the sun is like, you know, your vampire enemy. So it's been, we don't go outside and I'll go to I'm up at very [00:02:00] odd hours. I'm a vampire that's exactly right.

Speaker 2: Vampires or cross with a Navy seal crossed with what was, was it Christian bale in the machinist or whatever. And he was all skinny and gnarly looking.

Speaker 3: He looked like he needed to eat some food in that one.

Speaker 2: How's it? How's booboo. How's your wife. How's baby mama.

Speaker 3: She's good. She's on maternity leave. I'm back at work. So she's been very much taken the lead on like the nighttime feeds those like [00:02:30] 2, 3, 4 am feeds are like just the worst ever. There's something about that time period. Even if you're only up for an hour, like you're like wipe the next day. And so she's been really great about letting me, you know, maybe do the 10:00 PM or even the midnight and then like six or 7:00 AM and staying away from that like dangerous zone time. Cause like, I don't know if it's just me or what, but I just can't recover like the next day after that happens. And so if I'm, you know, I'm back at work, so if I have meetings or whatnot, it's like super awesome that she like, lets me actually have like, uh, straight six hours or [00:03:00] whatever.

Speaker 2: That's a big deal. How long, how long have you been able to? I mean like what's the sleeping pattern been like over the last, well, let's talk about how your daughter is first. How old is she?

Speaker 3: Seven weeks. Uh, yesterday.

Speaker 2: Right? So how's, how's the sleep trajectory been managed over seven weeks. Pretty consistent so far. No.

Speaker 3: Yeah, she's a mess. I mean, she's like she sleeps it out hours. Like I dunno. It's and it's interesting too. And that's, what's so [00:03:30] funny as well. Like in Lisa's reading all these books, like 12, 12 hours a night by 12 weeks, like all these books and it's like, she, we have her on a schedule. It's like every three hours, like 4, 7, 10, like share big sleep is like at seven, it goes for now four or five hours, which is really great. But every sleep after that is consistently like shorter, less quality. And it's like more terrorizing to us. So it's just, it's interesting. Cause like, you know, you read these books and they're like, oh baby, you know, five weeks, four weeks, whatever it should be having, you know, 18 to 20 hours of sleep [00:04:00] or whatever the number is, it's a high number. We're like half that, if that is pieced together, like piecemeal, like 30 seconds here, 25 here and there. Not like sleeps where I can like go do something. It's like, she only like sleep if I'm holding her or, you know, it's just, it's always inconvenient. And I feel like she knows it. It's really messing with me already.

Speaker 2: You can tell having a five-year old girl or almost five-year-old girl, that's kind of, that's just what they do.

Speaker 3: Just, they ignore you. But their sleep patterns are just

Speaker 2: In general. No, it's [00:04:30] just to find the most inconvenient way to express themselves or do something or ask something. And that's part of the challenge of being a parent. So tell me, tell me the best, worst advice you've gotten from every parent who has something to say about, well, here's how we got our kid to sleep really great.

Speaker 3: Oh yeah. Yeah. Everyone wants to like give you like, you know, their plan and what happened for them. And, and, and I think that there are some consistencies there in terms of like, oh, if you do this and you make it happen or they just lucked out and you know, it's proof [00:05:00] when they have two or three kids that are all sleeping the exact same way, like great. But I mean, this kid will not just doesn't want to sleep. I don't know what I could do differently. We, you know, jammer with, uh, you know, as much, you know, formula slash boob as we can put in her, but then like she's spinning up and then she's like coping, coping, coping. That's the thing, you get her in that good routine. And then she gets herself and then it's like another, so you get her down.

Speaker 3: You've got like the sound machines, my new best friend, by the way. I didn't know what I did before it. I also don't know what I did before. Like we [00:05:30] had a baby cause all he was talking about this baby and was like, I don't know how to fill the void of talking without talking about my baby and bowel movements and all sorts of stuff. It's, it's very strange this whole fraternity and sorority of parenting. It's very strange. And, and to that point, it's I look back on our previous conversation is actually very interesting because I don't know a lot of you were asking a lot of questions that like, it was actually kind of funny cause like I had no business answering and a lot of it was like something that was, you know, you don't know until, you know, and I thought that was interesting. [00:06:00] Cause he was kinda like, you know, you weren't really giving that much advice. He was like, what do you think this is going to happen? And then, uh, so to me it was like the PR it would be the perfect, you know, post-mortem to actually talk about like the pre and the post, because I literally had no idea. I think back to our conversation with when Steven kind of crashed the podcast at the end and we were talking about how many diapers?

Speaker 2: Yeah. What'd you say five, five,

Speaker 3: A normal human with like a, you know, a good, good fiber intake has about three good ones. So I was like, that makes sense. Cause babies, [00:06:30] you know, and then, uh, thinking about the fact that like, you know, last night, you know, it's 3:00 AM, by the way, our air conditioning went out. So it's like hot in the house. Baby runs hot anyways. So she's like literally just in a diaper, but she's still sweltering. So I'd take her to the changing pad and like I change her and then without fail, I don't know if this happens to every kid, I just have the one, but like the second you start changing her, it's like, she basically cooks for 15 minutes, which is the whole thing it's like, she thinks she's done and I've even like waited. I'm always like standard 15 minutes [00:07:00] at least like three or really like crazy to what's going on.

Speaker 3: And then I'm like, okay, I think she's good. But she just knows when she's being changed. And again, probably because her legs are up in that, you know, whatever, you know, whatever position that is, the sick or whatever, she ends up going again. And so it was just, it was a comedy of errors last night where she, like, I changed her, I know some Moore's coming. So like I block it and it's not coming. So I take it off and then it like explodes all over me. And by the way, it's like the pressure down there and an infant is like a jet engine. I don't understand any of it, but you know, [00:07:30] physics aside then it's like, then she starts peeing on me, so I have to pick her up. And so she's naked and she's still painting and then everything's ruined and I'm just like, why did I do this?

Speaker 3: Like, and why didn't no one warned me about how terrible this whole thing is. But again, and, and you know, I think, you know, that's another conversation Annalisa and I have been having about the whole, whole thing where when the baby comes out, she's obviously very cute. And, and we set a C-section, it was actually like a very terrible labor story, you know, she's a perfect C-section baby and she's so cute and whatever, but again, when she's not really getting back at all and she hasn't [00:08:00] given back, you know, she hasn't pulled her weight at all in the last, you know, last week when we were really just kind of done with her and wanted to give her back. I mean, she started smiling. And so, I mean, that's going to get me through at least another month, at which point, I'm sure she going to do something else.

Speaker 3: But the funny thing is like, she's when she's quiet or sleeping or just sitting there, she's the cutest thing in the world. And then like, she goes from like amazing to like terror, like what is wrong with this being in like two seconds? And again, it's usually our fault bottles [00:08:30] not being made fast enough or, you know, there's a bird that we didn't, you know, correct for, but probably than that, it's like, it's a lot that kids, a lot names she's, um, very cute again. But I mean, I, it's a thing where it's like, I can't believe that there are billions of people on this earth and that everyone had the same, you know, everyone has a birth story and we had like this crazy, very personal experience that you've had, you know, more than once, you know, your sister had a crazy experience, [00:09:00] it's just so personal.

Speaker 3: But also, you know, we're at the hospital. I'm like they do this like 20 times a day and they like don't even like that. Doesn't, you know, it's just so interesting because again, like you bring this new thing into the world and it's so crazy and such a crazy experience and it was awesome slash like very scary, but end of the day, it's like, I don't know. It's just funny. Like, and, and again, like, there are podcasts dedicated to this. There are books written by there's billions of dollars spent on this whole, like, you know, baby industrial complex and industry [00:09:30] it's an industry, but it also feels like so personal when it's like not, and I don't know, I just feel like no one told me about this, but I'm like, maybe I wasn't listening or I don't know. It's just, it's, it's been bringing up a whole lot of stuff. Obviously. We're very much in the thick of it in the first, you know, six, seven weeks. So, you know, we're, we're still, we're learning as we going, baby's not dead yet, which I'm very, like, I'm very, you know, good job to me because again, when they even like, let us leave the hospital, it's like, wait, you're trusting this thing to me. I'm responsible now. Very [00:10:00] scary.

Speaker 2: One of my favorite things is people that say, you know, having a baby, it's just like having a puppy. So having raised a puppy, he wants to tell me a little bit about the differences between raising a puppy and raising a, an intern.

Speaker 3: Uh, what's awesome. Is Jordan or dermis? Separate is like 13 years old now. And like, literally like just looks at us and looks at this baby. And it's like, what is going on here? She's super nice. And like, we pictures of her, like she always in the room, she likes to be like typical German shepherd way, like likes to be in the mix, but like, doesn't like to be touched [00:10:30] or really like, pay that much attention to, so it's like a perfect situation because we have literally no attention to give the dog anymore, but she like, you know, every now and then she's like, when baby's screaming at 3:00 AM and she just kind of like lays out, turns over and looks at us and she's like, what did you guys do? We had a really good thing going here.

Speaker 2: How's this going to go make that baby showed up? I got paws and jaws. I want you guys is, want to do on real quick.

Speaker 3: Uh, no, but I mean, you know, again, like I, I [00:11:00] got, I had Jordan when I was in college and was very ill equipped for that. So I think there's the, the similar trajectory there. It's like, you're wholly unprepared. You're completely out of your element. You know, the, the, the, you know, there's always much more, you know, messes than you think there will be. But again, like, I think you kind of can figure out a little bit faster with the dog and then this baby, you know, and, and conversations I'm having with, like, my sister came down this past weekend, she has got, you know, a five-year-old a two year old and an [00:11:30] 11 month old. And I mean, I think, you know, I don't know what age she would prefer at this point. Like, they're, you know, as they get older, they're more self-sufficient, but they're also much more complicated, but as five-year-old old of hers is like asking a lot of crazy questions and doing a lot of weird things.

Speaker 3: And you're like, well, when does it end? And like, then you have conversations with like my mom and she's like, it doesn't end. Like I still have all of you kids out in the world that I have, you know, I'm terrified for. And you know, I'm so vulnerable because I'll all this, these things that I love are out there. It's like, oh, [00:12:00] okay. It's just a reminder that you'd never get off this train. Right. And, and it's something very new to us, but it's also a reminder. It's like, wow, this baby's going to be in every family photo for the rest of my life. You know, it's, it's awesome and scary and very cool at the same time slash depressing when all you want to do is sleep. And the baby's like, Hey, you know, no, that's not going to happen today.

Speaker 2: Um, my, my beard was falling out court. Do you remember Sarah was, uh, she was on bed rest and you know, baby puppy, two mortgages blob. [00:12:30] And just like the anxiety level just gets ramped up with babies. It's like hair starts falling out. Like probably drank too much. Probably getting no exercise. So you go going and getting a run in or anything.

Speaker 3: Well, Annalise is very much focused on, on getting her pre-baby body back. So

Speaker 2: Too far, it's like she was all belly. I don't remember her getting any,

Speaker 3: Yeah, not at all. But again, she like, you know, it's a crazy like [00:13:00] worker outer. And so it was always like, that's the thing. Like, she was always like, you know, every time we had appointments, the doctor's like, you're gaining too much weight. You're only supposed to be getting 20 pounds this week and you're at 24. And it was like, yeah, but they only said to me, it was always like super in shape and underweight. And I'm sure most people that go into that place are like, not in that space. So I was like, don't listen to what the doctor says anymore. Just do it anyways. That's a, that's an aside. Um,

Speaker 2: That's a big piece of advice to give people. Don't, don't listen to what the doctor says.

Speaker 3: I'm telling you after our experience, [00:13:30] it's like Dr. Jones.

Speaker 2: I'm with you. They they're all dumb as. Just like their heads.

Speaker 3: Oh, uh, sorry about that. Once that curtain is pulled, you're like, oh,

Speaker 2: They're the same distance from chimpanzees as we are.

Speaker 3: That's that's not untrue. Yeah. But no, we did buy a Peloton bike, which is, you know, that home spinning bike.

Speaker 3: Uh, I do. I was, I'm very LA in that way where like, [00:14:00] Analisa introduced me to cycling a long time ago and I've always enjoyed it. So having one in the, in the garage is kind of cool because you're literally have no excuse other than, you know, I give me half an hour, 45 minutes to go do this thing. It's a little like, you know, we will, but I mean, it's fine. I mean, it's, I I've, I used to be a big runner. I've done marathons and stuff, but I, that to me, I can't get my head around anymore. I'd rather just have someone yell at me for 45 minutes to do something.

Speaker 2: That's why you got married. [00:14:30] Isn't it

Speaker 3: Only 45 minutes.

Speaker 2: You're going to have a daughter that gets to yell at you also

Speaker 3: That's, that's screaming at this point. It's not yelling.

Speaker 2: Um, how's that going? Is she loud? Is she quiet?

Speaker 3: She's it's really interesting. She's she's very, I don't know if introspective is the right word very much. And again, I don't have that much to compare it with, but even, you know, my mom has had five kids and has a bunch of nieces and nephews. It's like, this is the calmest baby [00:15:00] I've seen. So when she's like in her Zen mode, she literally just like, wants to be held on like stare at the ceiling. I'm like, I don't know. She's, she's an infant. I'm trying to give her too much, like, you know, props for like being with some genius or something. Cause she's not, but she's also like, what's the way you see. You're like looking at stuff it's like very much like taking it all in. And that's even, you know, when Emily said the C-section and she wasn't responding to the pain medicine, so they ended up knocking her out with ketamine.

Speaker 3: So Annalisa's was basically the first three hours of baby's life and Elisa was passed out basically. So it was like me and the baby, [00:15:30] which was a very unique experience to have as the father, you know, and very sad too, because it was not what we wanted at all. We wanted baby to be on her chest and do all that fun stuff. But anyways, even then, like we don't, we're in the operating room with these bright lights and like, she goes just like the way she was like looking at stuff. I was like, she's like really thinking about this stuff. Or she's like in being in the moment and she's, and I noted that then. And like, it's been very true ever since, like, she's just very much like thinking about stuff. And so in that, in that way, I'm like, okay, that's gotta be a ponderous kind of maybe introverted introspective [00:16:00] kind of kid, which is the nice part. And then the other part is like, she's like angry dude. She's like, so

Speaker 2: Well, she's got a short list of things to like unwind the anger, like hungry or tired, 10.

Speaker 3: I was just like, but you're not hungry. How careful not hungry. I'd like it in my mouth.

Speaker 2: All right. Let's, let's, let's have some parents talk here, like latching. Like we talk about [00:16:30] poop, latching, uh, and, and sleeping. And we've made, we can get into your sex life too. We can get real detailed oriented for the masses. The masses will want to hear about that. She a little girl latches,

Speaker 3: She lives fine. The problem was, and we said it had a 36 hour labor and a C-section and two epidurals. Cause neither took. And then like, basically there's like a list of like things that make your milk come in late. And it [00:17:00] was like, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. So our milk came in super late. Plus hereditarily her grandmother's milk never came in or moms came in late. So it was like, baby was like hungry for like the first five days until we figure it out. And then we got some, some formula for which like solved so many problems maybe the first four days. So, but the latching was fine. She just was like. Cause she was like, there's nothing here. So she was like, not, not into it at all. She was not happy, but that was all good. And she like slept like pretty well there for awhile or as much [00:17:30] as you would expect. But once we left the hospital, she's like not the best sleeper. She's not that into it. She's there's too much life to be lived. I think.

Speaker 2: Um, I've heard somebody say that once you have a kid, which, which your daughter is just like in awe at everything. She saw the inside with belly for however long and now like, everything is awesome. I've been told that. And I believe that having kids, like you get to experience the same experience in a new way, like through your kids for the [00:18:00] same you've been walking by your whole life.

Speaker 3: Yeah. And I think, you know, and I've, I've heard that too, maybe on this podcast, but I think that, you know, I think the gift of children is the fact that I get to re-experience everything all over again, kind of through her in a lot of ways. And there's stuff that like, like we're such nerds when it comes down to it. If you think about it, it's like, I don't know. I'm like, I'm thinking, I'm just thinking about stuff. I'm like, that's, she's going to think that's so cool. And it's like something that's not cool at all, but like, I'm like, I'm going to make sure I'm going to point that, that [00:18:30] like orange to her. So she sees it because isn't so colorful and cool. And it's like, it's, it's so lame.

Speaker 2: It's just like you did.

Speaker 3: And like the other day, and don't judge me too much, but we were playing some sort of playlist on Spotify and like Jack Johnson came on and I just thought about it in my head. I was like, she's never heard Jack Johnson before. I was like, her life has now changed forever because it's not living in a, in a, in a non Jack Johnson world.

Speaker 2: Everything's different

Speaker 3: For [00:19:00] better. Or

Speaker 2: By the way I wait until she gets the date.

Speaker 3: I know, right. Yeah, exactly. Oh my God. All my high school playlist,

Speaker 2: Right? Oh God. Who was I with was listening to a classic rock station. It was classic rock station. It was a song that came out while we were in high school. I wish I could remember what it was. Anyway. I saw somebody yesterday that went to a Rob Thomas concert. [00:19:30] Like, no.

Speaker 3: Why, why would they do that? I'm just kidding. I, uh, there's some good matchbox on my songs.

Speaker 2: I'll never forget. Dudley told me one day here. I forget which matched by it. Might've been a Rob Thomas song. He did his first, what? I did his solo thing. He was like, dude, if you know the words to this song, every girl's gonna like, you

Speaker 3: It's like train, meet Virginia or something like that. It's like, there are these songs that matter to people. Um, [00:20:00] 100%

Speaker 2: Might've been,

Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell. Totally.

Speaker 2: Oh, we're crazy. How's so tell me how, tell me how the dynamic between you and Lisa's shifted or pivoted since baby.

Speaker 3: Again, it was kind of interesting because I was very much because she had a C-section because, you know, she was kind of, so the recovery of that was so tough. It was interesting. Cause I was very much like front [00:20:30] and center with baby. Like I was, I knew baby better than she did in a weird way. And like I was the one changing her and I was the one doing all this stuff. So like, it was weird. Cause like, you know, it's not usually that way. And so that, you know, as horrible as it was, I think that was maybe one of the secretly beneficial things to me or it's like, okay. I think the silver lining for me is that at least I got this really unique, you know, uh, bonding situation with my infant daughter. Um, but then, you know, now in terms of, you know, I don't know, we communicate, but like that's the [00:21:00] thing it's like, I'd heard at some point, maybe it was from you again, but it was like never, never, you know, not never fight between 10 and 6:00 AM, but like basically don't take anything seriously what you say to each other, between 10 and 6:00 AM.

Speaker 3: And, and that's part of it. Like if I'm tired, like I will lash out and also finally grumpy

Speaker 2: When you're tired, you get super grumpy.

Speaker 3: I need sleep. And I know that about myself. And so that's why I lived the life of like [00:21:30] prioritizing sleep. And now it's like not allowed and what did we do? What did we, I love sweater June. I'm just getting, but, um, it's, it's been very, um, cause sometimes it was asleep and then at night, like when she does go down at seven, like a sane person would be like, let's go to sleep too, but then you really need that unwinding time. That's the only bonding time Lisa and I had [00:22:00] together. So we make the most of it. But then at the same time, like the next morning, I'm like we should have gone to bed at seven and then you know, it, it, it, it happens again where it's like, you know, it's, it's it's tomorrow me we'll deal with that. And then I keep pushing it down, down the line, you know, it's like, oh, that's fine. You know, I'll catch up and we don't catch up anymore. You can't catch up anymore. That's the problem. Yeah.

Speaker 2: Yeah. It was wild. I just realized you have a whiteboard behind you and we're going to have to have you draw a diagram [00:22:30] of some sort before we're done. It's just blank. And there are markers there we'll, we'll find it.

Speaker 3: I had to clear it recently. I had all of our like development stuff on it and uh, I don't know. The writers that I was meeting with were getting a little too inquisitive about everything that's going on. So it's like, I gotta, I gotta clear this one out. Yeah. I'll throw whatever you want. I have, I don't know if you can see in the corner, there's a little tower that represents a 1920s Paris project that we've we did awhile ago that I still will never give up on, but [00:23:00] that's probably the, I'm not, I'm not artistic really when it comes to drawing and I think that's like a good Eiffel tower. So I just kept it.

Speaker 2: Yeah. I can't, I can't see very well, but from here or you could have told me it was a sticker or a painting or drawing, plus

Speaker 3: I to chair, I drew a chair anyway. It doesn't matter. No one cares. No one cares.

Speaker 2: What's tell me something else it's different than it was,

Speaker 3: Uh, in terms of our dynamic. Yeah. I mean, I think, [00:23:30] you know, she's, it's interesting. I think Annalisa definitely is turned into a mama bear in a lot of ways. I don't know if you ever think of this. This is maybe very narcissistic to think of. But, um, I was telling her this the other day and I, again, I don't think it really came across correctly, but the idea crossed my mind that, you know, w when you think about priorities in your life, I think I was always kind of somewhat made to feel safe by the fact that if, if Annalisa could basically, [00:24:00] there's no one in the world to analyze. So if they say, okay, Annalisa Sophie's choice, choose Tami or choose someone else. She would always choose me. And I will always love that idea, right? Like, I'm her person now, there's a, baby's wedged her way in and I don't know anymore.

Speaker 3: And I put her on the spot the other day and she was like, I choose you. I choose you. I'm like, no, you wouldn't. And I wouldn't want her to, for the record. I would not want her to, but at the same time, it's an interesting idea because that's what happens when your, when your world gets bigger. It's, it's this idea of like, [00:24:30] okay, it's not our little union anymore. It's this other thing who we don't know anything about, but obviously invited very, you know, uh, you know, opened up, opened our home to we've given a room to it's only seven weeks old. And I know Lisa would jump in front of the train, save her, but not me. And it's, it's, it's frustrating. Not, not that she wouldn't jump it anyways, whatever narcissism aside there was anyways,

Speaker 2: You've opened up an interesting little box here, because if we, so I was relistening [00:25:00] to the ICC, brought his podcast today, and he said something to the effect of, I wish I could remember it exactly, but like being a parent is secondary. Being a good parent is secondary to being a good spouse. I don't know that that necessarily implies who he would jump in front of a train for, but it's like the dynamic between like how important your relationship is with your wife is so important [00:25:30] that you gotta make sure that's right before your relationship with your kid is right. That's the only way your relationship with your kid is right. Uh, or some something. So, no,

Speaker 3: And I think part of that conversation, by the way, it's interesting you say that because part of like, what is going through my mind when I'm thinking that it's not all pure narcissism, it's, it's about the fact that Annalise and I have had many discussions about the way we want to live our lives and have a marriage. And the idea is that, like, we are the inner sanctum, it's our relationship that comes first because everything does come [00:26:00] off of that. Right. Our relationship informs how we treat our child and therefore, you know, the, the immediate family surrounding that, and then the bigger, bigger, bigger. And again, I mean, the baby shows up and in my mind, I'm like, oh, okay. So our whole thing is out the window. Right.

Speaker 3: And by the way, she should be right now. It's just funny to me that, and I'm being kind of facetious about the whole thing. I think, you know, we're beyond excited to have this baby here. And I, you know, I think I choose baby as well. It's just a funny way to think about it. [00:26:30] Cause it, your life does open up in these weird ways. And, and, and I think it, it speaks to the bigger idea that like, you know, when, when kids show up, like all bets are off, there's so much stuff that I've already like done that I was, I remember like judging other people around doing like daycare and like, we're gonna, you know, we want to get into the best daycare. I'm like, who does that? Like throw the kid anywhere. And like, probably the worst daycare will make them stronger, tougher.

Speaker 3: They'll probably like be around like different cultures, more so than like, you know, the rich, [00:27:00] like kind of white Burbank, you know, daycares, all that stuff. And then, and then, you know, all of a sudden, you know, like Emily's is only like three months pregnant. We're already like jockeying for daycares. And, and that's kind of, we have to do in this world, but it's like, what the hell? And it just, again, it all goes out the window when kids are involved, because again, you do want the best for them. And yeah, it's all, it's, it's interesting to see. I'm definitely doing a lot of self judging when it comes down to, um,

Speaker 2: [00:27:30] The only thing keeping you in mind.

Speaker 3: I think so probably anxiety of raising a good kid, um, you know, being a good role model, which is, you know, I'm very excited about

Speaker 2: To expand on that being a good role model, like how self-improvement, uh, you know, in the idea of improving yourself, you know, falls into, you know, parenting.

Speaker 3: Yeah. I think, and again, I, I'm still thinking about these things. [00:28:00] I think you're kind of in this safe space where baby doesn't really know what's going on. So I can still curse around her and not feel like a terrible parent. I can still maybe have more screens on than I would, because again, as long as I face her this way, whatever. Um, so yeah, you're kind of in this like beta testing mode where it's like, okay, what do I want to do? What do I want to be? So I think there's a situation in which yeah. I want to lead by example. I want to be working out more like we talked about earlier. Like those hours are hard to combine now, but again, like, I think that's the great thing about having a kid to where you can start incorporating them and [00:28:30] the things, you know, it's like maybe twenties, I'm hung over, you know, all day Saturday.

Speaker 3: And I don't leave the house. That's not really an option when you're older. First of all, you're not drinking like you used to and, or partying, whatever. But the kids also a reason to get out of the house and do these cool things. Like we already did that. Like I think in the first week we already, you know, went with, by the way, it's interesting too. It's a conversation to have about like how your, your friend group changes almost immediately. Once you have kids, it's like, you're welcomed in across the threshold. Like, oh, [00:29:00] come this way. Now that you have kids, like you're allowed to hang out

Speaker 2: To have dinner with me,

Speaker 3: Get it. You guys get it. Yeah.

Speaker 3: We were at a, there's a brewery in Glendale and, uh, gold, gold, gold coast, golden coast, golden golden road. Sorry. Um, and we got there by, by one, we had a late start again, time management when it's babies like impossible. Um, and that's something we're very much learning [00:29:30] as well. Um, we got there at like one and like, there'd already been like, what you could tell was like two seatings already of like families. And by the way, there's this whole like culture of people that like, it's a brewery. Right. And I remember when I used to go there, like meet up with friends on a weekend and be like, why are all these parents like going to breweries and like drinking around their kids and stuff. So again, that's the, maybe my own judgment about certain things, but it's places like path, it's basically Chuck E cheese with beer.

Speaker 3: Like, and again, they have the whole setup where like kids have all these games to play and all this stuff. Um, [00:30:00] but again, it was like people had already come and gone like five times over by the time we got there. And like, we met my sister there because, you know, they they're in town, like, you know, meeting, meeting Sawyer and all that fun stuff. Um, and they were totally like in their element and they knew what was going on. And I don't know, we're just like super new to this group. And, you know, everyone was walking their kids around like the little toddlers, like, oh, pardon us. But there's like stroller central. It's like strollers worse than like Disneyland going on there. And, um, anyways, it was, it was kind of fascinating to, to see it in action [00:30:30] as a participant, as opposed to the other side of it, where I was like, these people need to get a life or go somewhere else. Like this is a brewery kind of tastes like,

Speaker 2: Oh, here's this kid screaming about Paul patrol?

Speaker 3: Oh my God. I totally felt so sorry. There, there was like a girl and a guy who were up very clearly on a date next to our table. And like my sister's kids, God love them are like, I mean, there were three ring, circus they're disasters and like they're screaming. And during those stuff, keep in mind. There's like every table has these things and these [00:31:00] sort of just trying to like drink a beer and go on a date. And I'm like, we went to the wrong place on me. Sorry.

Speaker 2: So you want to have kids? I can't wait to have kids.

Speaker 3: It's like where he chose to like, let her know that he's been mayor in or something.

Speaker 2: Um, that would be a good time to have that conversation.

Speaker 3: What's an off color joke. I apologize. But if I was to tell someone, I'd be like, yeah, what, what place would you rather not have kids probably anyways. Um, [00:31:30] yeah. And I'm, and again, I think it's our time management is out the window. I, again, like my boss has kids and I remember back in the day, you can't make a meeting by 10. Like, what's, what's wrong with you. And now, like, if I get into the office for 11

Speaker 2: When's the last time you were on time for something,

Speaker 3: It comes and goes. I think it's, you know, if there's not a hard inner heart out, like, we're like, yeah, we'll be there. And like, even meeting with my sister this weekend, like we came like an hour late [00:32:00] and they were like, where are you guys were like, I don't like getting the full thing going. And finally, what kind of the whole, it's just hilarious. How much stuff, a baby, a little infant that size and to travel with. I mean, we have like this huge stroller and diaper bag and oh, what if it, you know, change your clothes in case this happens and know the shawl and like when the sunblock or, um, it's a whole thing. Like I had no idea. I don't know. W we run into is we went to Oakland last week and our air conditioning [00:32:30] was on the Fritz. So we drove up last weekend and we had this idea in our head that next weekend we were going to go to Oregon and stay at Annalisa's, um, on uncle's place, on the Oregon coast, which is this beautiful place we went to, um, uh, Thanksgiving one year. And it's just, it's awesome. We were like, yeah, we'll drive up there. We'll take the dog. And the Jordan's old and maybe this is one of her, a couple of last kind of summer. So, um, and then yeah, we took the, we, we did the drive up to, to Oakland as like a dry run. It's about, you know, maybe a third as far as, [00:33:00] as, uh, Oregon and like halfway through the trip, we were like, staycations

Speaker 3: Sounds like a lot less stress on, cause it was the thing. I was like, it's gonna take us three days to get up there at this, at this point. And then we're going to have to like stay for a day and then turn around and drive back. And I mean, baby hates the car seat. She can't stand it. Like it's the, her nemesis, anything that's like constraining her because that's the other thing, like she gets angry. She does not like being swaddled, but she does. She needs those hands [00:33:30] free so she can do like her crazy, like her she's learning like her nervous system now. So she's like dance moves.

Speaker 2: That's interesting that that is both you and your wife have that in you. I think so she's doubling down.

Speaker 3: She's going to have some moves. I'll tell you that much. Um, but yeah, it's, it's, um, we're just completely late to everything. Everything takes 10 times longer than it should. Um, it's yeah, it's a whole thing. And again, we're new [00:34:00] to it. I'm sure we'll be at a point where maybe you tell me, uh, we'll be able to be like, grab that, grab that, grab that out of the house.

Speaker 2: Okay. It's there is like a little sweet spot. It feels like where, you know, it's somewhere between newborn and crawling that it, like you're getting used to the newborn. And then the crawling is like a whole game changer. Now you can't leave your house because your house is the only place on the planet. That's baby proofed. Everything else is danger at every fricking time. So, but [00:34:30] there's that sweet spot where she just sits down, shuts up in her car seat. She's only, you know, 14, 15 pounds and sleep is, you know, got a little consistency, but it's a very short, sweet spot.

Speaker 3: And that's, that's, uh, that's the bigger conversation too. It's like every time we feel like we figured something out, like the dynamic changes and then you have to solve for that. And then the dynamic thing. And I think so part of the conversation earlier, I think that's, what's so interesting about child-rearing in general and that's what it seems like happens. It's like, okay, you're in a group. Maybe you've got like a few good weeks or months or whatever, [00:35:00] but then the dynamic changes, um, you know, and like, yeah, it just seems like kids get, and I, I do, I can see that in like my nieces and nephews and even like, maybe as I was growing up, like kids get easier in certain ways, but like very much more complicated in that the issues that you're dealing with are so much richer when they're older.

Speaker 3: And they're these kind of, I mean, clearly sentient beings that have like this whole other thing going on internally, maybe they don't want to communicate as much. And so I don't know, you're like shooting in the dark. It's like, it's [00:35:30] at least now, like, it's basically like physical troubleshooting, right? Like, okay, does she need a diaper change that she needed to be burped? And yeah. I mean, I, and then I I'm, I I'm so thankful now that like, she's not mobile. Cause like my, my nephew's mobile and like that guy just like wants to run and go stuff up. And every given turn it on. What do you do? Like I'm, I'm not, I'm I'm, I'm not gonna rush the crawling or walking thing at all I know about people are like, I can walk at this time. I [00:36:00] will. I think I'm going to maybe push,

Speaker 2: Push her over.

Speaker 3: Maybe like maybe like a misery kind of situation. Like totally just like, get those, get those legs. Like, you know, no, not true, but child services is going to call it.

Speaker 2: Okay. This is going to come back to haunt you. And like,

Speaker 3: Like one of the, one of the five listeners of this podcast Is getting [00:36:30] tired. It's more than that. Love you. It's

Speaker 2: Like twice that,

Speaker 3: Um, anyways, uh, yeah, it's, it's been eye-opening in a lot of ways I feel, and again, I'm almost embarrassed by the previous, you know, podcast recording. We did.

Speaker 2: Um, that was, that was fun. I think anyone listening now, stop, go back, listen to Tommy's old one and then come back and start this on over so that we, it looks like we have more than twice.

Speaker 3: There's one question you asked about like [00:37:00] how, like, I don't even know the question. Was there something about like, how are you going to, like, how are you going to like discipline or something like that? And I was like, I'm just like, not going to put up with it.

Speaker 3: I think that maybe down the line, there's, there's a, there's a place in which I can, because I do want to be a parent with a child, but you have to get to the point where you can reason with the child at this point. Like I just, at this point, I'd be literally screaming at a kid. That's screaming being like, why are you screaming? [00:37:30] That's her answer? So, um, anyways, it's just looking back on that one. I'm like, I just wouldn't put up with it. You know, I talked to her and reason like, no that may, may, may, may be. And again, I'm going to eat this when we kind of come back in five years and be like, there's no reasoning with a child at certain aspects. But, um,

Speaker 2: I had my son for, uh, almost four in the bat every day for the last two and a half years. For as long as he's been mobile, it's Gopi wash your hands, brush your teeth, or brush [00:38:00] your teeth, go pee, wash your hands every single night for his entire life, he refused to pee. And I just sitting there trying to be logical with a three and a half year old, like Riley, what'd you do yesterday before you went to bed, you washed your hands, you peed and you brush your teeth. So what are you going to do right now? Washing hands paper. And it's just like, I did it for, I swear to God, 15 minutes and he's just crying and yelling and barking at me and refusing to do [00:38:30] it. And then Sarah comes in and starts giving me about the way I'm trying to it.

Speaker 3: I'm on edge of my seat.

Speaker 2: So she just picked them up, put them on the toilet and said go pee. Yeah. I've made me feel like an.

Speaker 3: Oh, interesting.

Speaker 2: It can make him go pee and make me feel like an in one swoop. Moms are powerful.

Speaker 3: What would have happened [00:39:00] if he didn't pay what he's paid himself later? Or the P that seems very, uh,

Speaker 2: Oh my, oh my child.

Speaker 3: Honestly, right now I'm being a little facetious because feel free to make your kid go to the bathroom. Whenever you want Tyler,

Speaker 2: You want him to go? You teaching him how to go to the bathroom without peeing, without penis pants while he's asleep. So like you pee right before you go to bed and then go to sleep. [00:39:30] You probably do the same thing. Cause I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and go pee.

Speaker 3: I have, I have like, I think the world's signing splatter and like, I don't understand. I don't think I've noticed any splatter. I just like liked to show water for, I go to bed. I don't know why. So maybe That's true too. I do the

Speaker 2: Same thing. Like an idiot.

Speaker 3: I don't know about you, but I like getting up in the night knowing that I can go back to sleep. I mean, it's like shot me in the foot a couple of times where it's like 6 55 and I have to get up at seven. But the most part it's like [00:40:00] that 3:30 AM when I can say, oh yeah, I have, sometimes I milk it. I'm like hanging out. I'm like, I can just go to bed right now. If I want

Speaker 2: Episode something. Now, if it's after 3:00 AM, I'm not going back to sleep.

Speaker 3: Yeah. You got sleep issues though, man. It's like, like sleep. Like I like sleep or it's just something in your body says, no, you're up. When are you tired? And like, you can't go back to sleep or are you like up? You're like, oh yeah, I'm going to start my day to school.

Speaker 2: Nah, it's one, if it's like three 30 or four, [00:40:30] I can sometimes wake up and just be like jazz to start the day. Like when you're in a flow of like work's awesome. And everything is you're excited about stuff. Yeah. Not always

Speaker 3: When you're not definitely depressed To wake up,

Speaker 2: How's it? How's it work like working with a little baby, you know, you changed like, what are you doing on a podcast with me right now? I used to be at home.

Speaker 3: I mean, [00:41:00] maybe you want to tell your faithful listeners about how many times we've had to reschedule.

Speaker 3: We originally wanted to do like a month and like recap and it's like, oh, three months later we finally made that happen and I have to, no, I'm literally, uh, it's been good. I, again, Emily has been so kind and generous with, with the fact that she's not working. So she's like, I will take these, these dead, you know, dead, nighttime feeds. Um, but I mean, again, [00:41:30] like my, you know, and my boss has twin five-year-olds and a seven month old, so he's totally been completely, um, awesome about understanding when I have to go home early or like, you know, come in late or, you know, have to relieve him Elisa because you know, she's about to lose it. Um,

Speaker 2: The parents now you have more empathy for other parents now.

Speaker 3: Oh, definitely. Definitely. Um, and, and especially like, you know, now you have those friends that are like, seem like you're like, what [00:42:00] happened to you? Like you had a kid and you disappeared and now I'm like, I mean, we're trying to be better than that. Um, uh,

Speaker 2: Well now you can, now you can judge. Non-parents very effectively and with Gusto.

Speaker 3: Yeah. No, cause it's yeah. I mean, and that's the thing, like there are people that are like, no, we have to stick to the schedule and I've totally appreciate seeing the schedule. But, um, I think at this point it's like, because we have a kid, we at least have a little bit more authority [00:42:30] to be like, well, you could make it work. You know what I mean? Not like the end of the world, if maybe, you know, it goes down to half an hour later. So again, I think it's about prioritizing things, um, correctly. And, and, and, but yeah, I completely have, I, I will give those people much more fascinated before, before I was like, just like, bring your kid. And that's just not how it works, you know, the whole night, like, if, if so wears off her rhythm for sure. But, um, I think I can, at least that's the thing it's like [00:43:00] once, you know, you know, when you can at least speak a little more authority, even if you still don't know what they're going through and that's the thing, I think there's the empathy of like every baby is different everyone's experience is different people.

Speaker 3: That's a very stressful thing to think about going and meeting people out or, or having your kid out. And some people want to be at home. And I think that should be totally fine too.

Speaker 2: I would like to talk to you about your changing dynamic with Analisa your wife, because having a baby creates different dynamics, it creates [00:43:30] new problems. It creates new obstacles. So we, This is an SMR podcast,

Speaker 3: But the ones where people cut it's like my favorite, it cuts soap when we're off of this or whoever's listening, watch the cutting. So, uh, YouTube ones, [00:44:00] it's very, it's very, it's, it's, there's a summer to call that oddly satisfying that, that they do it on there too. Anyways.

Speaker 2: Um, yeah, but the, I mean, I found with Sarah that like every obstacle was so easy before because like the, at the end of the day, like who cares, where we go to get a drink or where we rent a house or you know, what car we're driving, but like now the decisions have a new set of stakes. It's like now [00:44:30] I'm suddenly reading reviews of the car seats are now. It really matters, you know, because this place serves this kind of food and they like the decisions have a different variable inserted into each other. They get bigger and bigger. Like what school are they going to go to? How are they going to be educated? And it's like, have you experienced any of those? And just like the first seven weeks, like the high stakes positions that you might be able to.

Speaker 3: I think I alluded [00:45:00] to a little bit earlier with the whole daycare thing. Like we actually got into like the best one basically by accident, not by accident, but we, you know, we hear, and especially in LA, it's like really hard to get into these ones. And I mean, most people have, nanny's been like too hard on several fronts, but, um, you end up getting to like this really good daycare, which is awesome. But again, it's like that thing it's like, thank God we got into that one because that, once she cause she's in that one, then she can go to that preschool and she can go to that regular school. And it's like, oh my [00:45:30] God, like we already found the trail to Harvard or something, which by the way, I'm not advocating for necessarily. But it's like that thing, that little decision based on her daycare, like seems to be so much more loaded in terms of like how the rest of her life is going to turn out, which I think, I think it needs to also be very much taken with a grain of salt.

Speaker 3: And that's the other thing too. It's like, that's not necessarily what's going to happen. So maybe let's, let's be cool about it, but it's like, you know, there's a daily discussion about right now because, because Sawyer [00:46:00] is, um, you know, has like some stomach issues. It's like, what formula you putting on? And it's like a whole discussion. And then again, like I love Anna Lisa and I think it's, there's just, and maybe I'm more laid back than she is, but I do think that there's amount of air that comes out where she's like, she is trying to figure this out. So she's like buying this one and we're researching German brands, which are like, always like, kind of like the best, but at the same time, they're a little harder on the digestion. So it's, what's, what's the thing. And I'm just like, just put her on.

Speaker 3: She seems to be fine on the one she's on. Like, I don't know. And so [00:46:30] it's, it's some of these discussions, which seems simple to me, or I would love to just be able to treat a simple, that I understand aren't at this point, but it's almost like the baby's going to be fine. I don't know. There's just different depth. There is different depth to all these discussions. Um, and, and yeah, I mean, again, like the late night kind of fights about stuff like you were getting ready to loudly in the room and you're not respecting that or what is your problem? And I don't know. And again, it's both, it's both sides of it. I think you just [00:47:00] get super precious when things, um, um, you're tired. So, yeah, but I mean, in terms of our dynamic, I think we, we do try to always have go back to each other at some point in the day and be like, we're in this together.

Speaker 3: I love you very much. I'm so appreciative of what you're doing, the sacrifices you're making, um, you know, and vice versa and we're in this together and it's, you know, at this point I think the best thing that we can really do is frame it. It's like it's us versus the baby, you know? And a lot of ways playing defense, [00:47:30] there's two of us. There's one of her. And that's why I have so much respect for you and anyone who has more than, than one kid. Um, I, you know, I I've talked to my boss about several times, Michael. It's like to, like, I don't know how you had twins. And I, it's funny, we talked about the day, like I texted him 11:00 PM one night when like, you know, Sawyer was like freaking all night. And like, it had been just a day already. And I was like, I don't know how you did this. Like mad, mad respect to like, I apologize for ever, ever silently judging you in anything. [00:48:00] If the struggle is real. I mean, it really is. Um,

Speaker 2: Uh, that's an interesting thing to explore too, is like the dynamic, uh, like, because those obstacles are so bad as a hardest part, me and Sarah ever had in our relationship was, you know, the first three years of having kids, uh, two kids under two, basically like it, I see why people get divorced after the, an advocate. It's easy to judge people when you don't have a kid that have never raised [00:48:30] a kid, but like, you really have to be determined to, you know, get past whatever obstacle comes up.

Speaker 3: Yeah, no, totally. And, and again, I mean, we, you know, we, yeah. And we went to therapy, you know, before we got married, that was, you know, we, and we were great, but that was part of like us knowing that marriage and family raising is hard and we wanted whatever tools we could get to, you know, when we talked about this [00:49:00] before, but you know, I think all of that is completely applicable to like having a baby. And I think getting back to each other and understanding like, oh, well I didn't necessarily mean this. Or it came off this way. Like again, like the trust that we're both mean as well as we can. And yeah, sometimes we fail, but we want to do better. Um, has been completely helpful in all situations. Cause it's, it's hard. It's really, really, really hard. Um, and being able to go back to it and have a real discussion.

Speaker 3: And I, and again, I think it was, you know, I feel really lucky that Annalise and I [00:49:30] like had a very long courtship, but you know, that was a lot of struggle, but like we had such a great baseline where like now that we are kind of introducing this interloper into our relationship, it's like we have such a good baseline. Like if we had like maybe had a more, and I'm not saying anything is typical or atypical, but I mean, I can see us, you know, in a, in a world where we ended up getting married after a year or two or three then, and then, you know, not quite having all the history that we have now and that being a real issue with [00:50:00] raising kids. Because again, when you're with someone so long, you know, we were together maybe six years before the baby came.

Speaker 3: I mean, you have these discussions. And so that's the other thing, like, thank God we're on the same page with so many things. And there's something to speak about daycare or whatever, talking about, um, you know, the, the dynamic changing and all the different variables that are added to a situation with a baby. It's like, if you're on the same page about anything, like it's just so heightened and it's a, it's almost like someone's attacking you on a very personal way that in, in which they, [00:50:30] they're not agreeing with the way you're doing things or raising things or whatever. Um, so that's been really interesting. Like, thank God we're on the same page. And like, I don't envy anyone who's like has to fight with their spouse about how they're doing things. You know what I mean? Like, cause again, like you probably start taking off the daggers way faster than you would normally, because again, in your mind, the stakes are so high.

Speaker 2: Um, people that haven't had to force communication, um, when they really [00:51:00] didn't want to, or in, for a rude awakening when they, when the stakes are raised for the baby. So like, do you guys, did you guys learn any tricks through therapy on like if people usually, and my expectation go to therapy because they're not communicating effectively, they're not getting each other's either they're not receiving or delivering messages in a way that works. So does that make sense?

Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I think it goes back to the previous conversation we had where it was like, it [00:51:30] was just, it's all about like, what's, what's behind that. Like what's the insecurity behind that? What's the issue behind that? Like what are you actually trying to, um, what's your insecurity about the way I'm doing this or the conversation we're having or, or the fact that you don't think that I'm stepping up to the table? Like you want me to, or I'm not stepping in fast enough or I'm I let you take these three feedings in a row? What does that say about us or my respect for you? So again, it's getting under there and being like, well, what are we actually having a conversation about? What are you upset about? Because again, like all I want to do in this place in time [00:52:00] to support you, like you're literally, you know, giving our daughter sustenance.

Speaker 3: Of course, all I want to do is support you. So if there's a miscommunication, it's, it needs to be understood that it's based clearly on a misunderstanding. And so let's actually talk. And so again, I think that that's a simplified version of it, but the whole therapy piece of it was like the tool was coming to it by understanding Annalise's, um, history and why, what she brings to kind of every, [00:52:30] everything, every interaction that she has, you know, whatever insecurities she has, whatever insecurity is I have. So there's, you can cut through a lot of the and actually get through it a lot faster, you know? And again, when you can actually trust that the best intentions are hard. We've had a couple of things where again, I think it was like tired. It was a misunderstanding and it was a point where like, I feel like I failed her in certain ways, but all I can tell her is like, listen, I hear you, like you said, you're your piece trust that I will do better.

Speaker 3: I'll make it better. That wasn't my intention. Let's just move on and we can cut through it and [00:53:00] just like get back to like the business at hand. Because again, it's so hard. Why add another element of a on top, you know, of, of holding a grudge or, or, you know, having to sit there like this, he really respect me or does she really respect me to shifting where I'm coming from? She understand that like, you know, my intentions were good and it just didn't, you know, whatever it was. Um, I think that there's a, a cheat code to just getting through it faster and then, and then picking with where we were, you know?

Speaker 2: So when it comes down to you think like trust, like [00:53:30] she has to trust that you mean it well, and you have to trust that she means it well, like, is that the baseline or is there some communication trick that helps get you in a right communication group?

Speaker 3: I think that that is part of it, but I actions speak louder than words. So without having the background of being of the history of ever since we've gotten married that like, yes, my, her best interest is always been in my mind in my best interest has been in her mind. So we, we built that trust. [00:54:00] So at that point, it's, it's very easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Um, but at the same time, I think either it's, you can't just like, not fight anymore because like, oh, Tommy was really disrespecting me, but he meant, well, it's like, no, you still have to talk about it and be like, where was, where are my shortcomings or where, where, where was my blind spot in terms of, of how I can support you while you're doing all this amazing stuff. Um, you still have to have those discussions, but I'm just saying, I think you can get through it faster when there is that baseline [00:54:30] of, of, you know, field tested, um, love and appreciation and respect that we've been building for six years, you know, some years better than others. But again, like since therapy, it's like, okay, well, this is where I'm coming to this where you're coming from. Let's just respect that, understand that. And again, I think there's a lot of fights that on top of that, you know, getting through a fight faster, but fights we've avoided because I know where she was coming from. And I didn't take something a certain way and vice versa with her.

Speaker 2: How about with the baby? [00:55:00] Like, I feel like I could have been a whole lot better. And the reason I wasn't was because I didn't know what to do. So like, are you finding that, uh, Annalise has expectations of you? Uh, are they like, or that you're meeting them or is she making clear to you what her expectations are? Or like, guys, I remember telling Sarah, like, you gotta tell me, I, [00:55:30] I'm not as intuitive on this as I wish I was, you just got to speak up and say it to me and I will do anything.

Speaker 3: Right. Um, I think I've avoided that pretty successfully not to pat myself on the back by any means, because there's definitely a lot of things that I haven't done. Right. Or I'm not picked up on or, or, you know, times when I probably in the back of my mind knew that and Lisa was on her last leg, but was like, she's probably fine. She can take this feed or whatever she's already doing it. So we're not going to get how dare I get in the way of her making that bottle and feed that baby over the next hour and [00:56:00] a half, you know, the dark night of the soul where you're like, you know, you're your worst person when you're tired and just like, she's, she's fine. And you, you know, deep down, I know she's not. But, um, I think for the most part, what I just try to do is communicate and be like, do you need anything?

Speaker 3: What can I do? You need to take this feed even this morning? Like she was, and you know, to go back and what I just said, like this morning, it was 5:00 AM. She was ready to feed her feed baby. And I was like, are you okay? [00:56:30] And she's like, and she was literally like, no, I'm, I'm about to lose it. I'm so tired. And I was like, let me take this one. And she again had given me so much sleep that it wasn't like I was doing any huge grand gesture was just, I saw the, you know, she'd already woken up a couple of times in the night. And I was like, okay, it's my turn. Um, and then I was like feeding baby in the room and baby like grunts. And like, when she's eating, it's like super annoying, but then our air conditioning broke.

Speaker 3: So that, that was the only room that was cool. So I usually take her away after about five minutes [00:57:00] of that analyst was like, I'm going in the other room over there. And I was like, and again, it was a thing where I was like, I would have in the moment then, like, I know that I shouldn't be in here, but I have to be in here. And then, but in that moment, I'm like one of my she's tired and I've been there and go have fun in the, in the guest room. You know what I mean? Anyway, so maybe that's an example of just kind of our dynamic, but again, it's it's, for me, it was, it's always like, what can I do? Are you okay? Like what's going on? And I just have to trust that she's going to answer me honestly. Cause [00:57:30] if we get into that game of like, is she really okay? Like, I, I don't want to play that guessing game. Like, and they only send, I have enough history where they're just like, yeah, just tell me what you want. And I got you because again, as men, I think we are a little less intuitive. You know, she is playing chess a lot of times when I'm just playing checkers. And I understand that and it's about communicating and being like, you know, um, how can I help? And I think that it's always a decent question.

Speaker 2: I'm going to ask you one more question and then I'm going to ask you all the rapid fire questions [00:58:00] that I asked you last time. And then one day, one of us is going to re-listen to the interview and figure out how different they were,

Speaker 3: Whatever we can get to get an extra list. And that'll be,

Speaker 2: Yeah. The reason we have so many downloads is because upcoming sponsors targeted audience of how many at the massive, so as an authority on raising a baby [00:58:30] over the course of the first seven weeks of its life, what advice would you give to someone at zero to seven weeks as a parent?

Speaker 3: Um, I mean, this is honestly advice that I don't take because like you, when you're in it, like you can't, but it's like get to sleep where you can like piece it together in whatever way you can like sleep, sleep, sleep. But again, like, I don't even take that advice because like I said earlier, like that, that unwind time, [00:59:00] like it there's nothing better. And again, there's nothing better for I, and that I think maybe a piece of that is like, I think it's complete continue to connect with your partner whenever you can. Because again, I think when the bonding is all based around the baby, that's of course important and a good thing, but it's also a good reminder that again, this is still the unit that is the most important thing. And even if it's just watching, you know, we've been watching bachelorette together and just like stupid [00:59:30] reality TV. Cause again, that's the only thing like you can pay attention to cause rally television, you don't have to be that invested

Speaker 2: In subtitles, the fringe.

Speaker 3: Yeah. And I know everything that's going on with, you know, married at first sight, but at the same time, if I miss 10 minutes, you know, putting baby back down or whatever, it's not the end of the world. Um, but again, it's those bonding times like having, you know, a glass of wine and just, you know, kind of talking about our days that aren't surrounding baby. Cause again, I think you can get in a mode where you're like, yeah, well we'll once baby's like, [01:00:00] you know, a few months old, then we'll be able to get back to ourselves or whatever. It's like, no, cause that just won't happen if you're not completely, um, purposeful about any of it. Like, you know, five years ago in the past, and then you're going to be like, you know, all, we really, haven't all we're really talking about. Are these kids? Um, I guess again, I make very grand statements on his podcast. I don't know what Tom talking about, but again, even in the I'll say was in the first seven weeks, like it's like I found it very important and crucial, um, [01:00:30] you know, to, to do that. We have a date nights, our first date nights scheduled her moms coming to take care of the babies. So we're gonna go have a glass of wine together. Pretend, pretend like we don't have a kid for an hour.

Speaker 2: It's going to you off so much when your friends next door that had just have a baby. And they've got like aunts and uncles and grandparents and sisters and brothers that all live within like three miles and they're like, yeah, yeah, we'll take the baby. You guys go have fun. Yeah. Meanwhile, you're looking for $30 an hour babysitters in LA, [01:01:00] you know, have their sag card and they're pretending maybe Down in Culver city. I was the babysitter. Okay. It's Culver city is still like where they do all the porn.

Speaker 3: Uh, I mean they do porn everywhere. Tyler,

Speaker 2: The joke didn't land as much. I thought Culver city was where they did porn.

Speaker 3: I think you're talking more about like the valley, like the [01:01:30] San Fernando is like where it's at, where it's at. As I do a fifth, a fish, It's very strange like vivid video, which is like a big or used to be like a big one brand is right next to like NBC universal. And it's like this kind of janky building and I'm like, that's weird, but whatever it's valley things get weird in the valley, bro.

Speaker 2: [01:02:00] All right. So here's a couple of questions. If you were to title a book about your first seven weeks of parenthood, what would the title of the book be?

Speaker 3: I what, what have, what have I done?

Speaker 2: Uh, now, now what television or film or movie dad do you resume

Speaker 3: Resonate with? I mean, I [01:02:30] think before I said that I liked the tailored relationship, which is true coach Taylor and his wife, but in terms of the depth that I relate to, it's like, I don't know, three men and a baby. It's like, they're kind of like bumbling idiots, like me. I'm like, ah, like, you know, I literally, it could be a scene in whatever, whenever they reboot that thing, uh, you know, a baby going through four diapers in a matter of two seconds. That was the thing that was so funny going back to our awesome diaper conversation, which was, I said three a day [01:03:00] and then ended up being like four and 22 seconds.

Speaker 2: Yeah. There's one diaper to like fold up the other diaper.

Speaker 3: It's just a mess. No, but then you know that diaper gene, like you're not changing it like every day and a half. I'm like, this is this baby's way too small to be causing this much chaos and damage anyways.

Speaker 2: And it's growing, it's growing like crazy instilled. Deprecates like it's a weight every day. [01:03:30] So billboard question, if you could give a piece of advice to all new dads that fits on a billboard, what would you put?

Speaker 3: I would literally just what kind of what I was saying earlier. I think, you know, I'm not, I'm not saying I'm fat to access,

Speaker 2: To fit on a billboard.

Speaker 3: I'm explaining my thought process, but the billboard it's just keep asking how you can be helpful to be of service is something that I talked about, our last podcast, which is very true. Like, [01:04:00] you know, the main, the main attraction is your wife and your baby, especially if she's breastfeeding, there's just something about the connection between those two that like you just aren't ever gonna like get in the way of at this point. Like that baby wants her mom in certain times. And it's the most adorable thing. Um, how much more space do I have on this?

Speaker 2: I have a Q and a on the billboard. I'm going to give you the question. You give me the answer. Uh, if I take your advice and my wife says, stop asking me what to do and [01:04:30] just go at

Speaker 3: Oh, and just do it, Go do laundry, go clean, go clean, whatever bottles are in the, in the sink, because there's going to be 10 bottles in the sink. No, go, go take the dog out, go do some lawn work. Like just be active. Like, I dunno, that's my old thing. I'm like, at least be proactive. Like if you're doing the wrong thing, at least you're doing it proactively. Don't be caught on the couch, letting your wife be doing a bunch of stuff on her own. [01:05:00] That's just not being

Speaker 2: The most practical good advice for everybody. Anybody that's a partner, anybody that's a parent. So nice. So what gift would you give to every new dad?

Speaker 3: Oh my God. Like a time machine sleep chamber where you could like get a solid eight hours every night and still be up at when you need to be up. I mean, I'm serious. Like the struggle is real. And again, I, I keep making jokes, like I'm really asleep, which I do, but like, I [01:05:30] mean, like I was telling you earlier, like I was literally not making sense in a couple of meetings. Like you need some sleep. Um, so yeah, I would, anyway, I could have come up with some sort of sleep device. Um, I'd be all about it.

Speaker 2: This would be the last question that I keep the recorder on. And, uh, I've never asked that. So in the event that this is like a journal entry for, [01:06:00] uh, your first seven months and it's one that Sawyer will get to read, you know, when she's 85 and goes, okay, here's my dad's journal. Uh, what, what are some things that you'd like for her to read?

Speaker 3: I mean, I hope she, she knows that even at this age, how much we kind of loved her and how much light she brought into our hearts, even with just like the smallest smile. And I think that the power that, that is, I think, [01:06:30] you know, already, you know? Yeah. I think it's an important it's. I think it's just so interesting. And I think, you know, you can only kind of know it when your parents would kind of, and I'm not even saying I'm all the way there yet. Cause again, I do resent her for being such a flaw that sometimes, but like even just the idea of like, she really, at this point could do no wrong in my heart and that, you know, whatever fights we get into down the way, or if, you know, dad died too early and it wasn't able to tell you enough times, like just the unconditional love I have in my heart [01:07:00] for that little kid and how, you know, hopeful I am for her life.

Speaker 3: But also without expectation, like she could, she can like, I want her to live her best life, but also I want her to do it on her terms. And, and again, like I'm thinking all these things as I'm staring into her eyes and she's like, literally like can see a foot in front of her and like ceiling fans, like she's gotten nothing for me. And yet I'm like, you're the best thing that ever. And don't you feel the same way about me? [01:07:30] Who's this guy. Where's my mom. But yeah, I think there's something to say about that thing. And it's, I think, I don't know if it's a cliche or what, but just kind of the way your heart kind of builds in weird ways. Um, and again, I it's, the thing is like, I think what I was expecting, maybe it's a little off topic, but I like to talk about it or I feel like talking about it.

Speaker 3: So you just shut up and listen, is this idea that like, like you have a kid and then your heart just grows. It's like, oh, oh, okay. I love it so much. Which may or may not have been the case. I don't remember [01:08:00] anymore. It was so long ago. I'm just kidding. It was seven weeks ago. But the point is like, at that point, like it's just been growing and growing and growing. So I don't know. I had this idea in my head where it's like, oh, or she she's born and then boom. And I love her so much, but it's like every day it's like a little bit more. And is that thing I was talking about where it's like, just that smile. Like I got so much mileage out of that smile. And then when she coups or when she's just kinda like gives me like that kind of like movie star, like Wang by accident.

Speaker 3: I'm like, this is the coolest kid ever. Like this kid is so cool. And I'm also [01:08:30] by the way, like, so that parent where like, I'm trying to like check myself and I'm like, she, like my sister comes and sees her and my sisters, of course you seem like so nice and do this beautiful baby, but I'm just kinda like, it's cool. Right? It's not just me. Right. Because I also understand that Mo you know, outside of my nieces and nephews and maybe close friends as kids, like, I'm like your, your kids, that kid, I don't really care. I got nothing for you. Sure. It's cute. I don't know. It looks like every other baby

Speaker 2: Turned out to be an, just like, you

Speaker 3: [01:09:00] Know, but anyway, it's just to say, like, I'm trying to talk to myself, but I'm like, this kid is so cool. Like, and I like the fact that she has an angry streak and I think she's gonna, like, it's gonna be really cool aspect of her personality. And, you know, I liked the fact that I can kind of see her thinking about things already. And like, I, you know, again, like you way read into these things, like she's going to be so smart because she goes to this when she looks at the wall. But I mean, you gotta be smart cause he looks like the little wall.

Speaker 2: All right. Last, last [01:09:30] question. Uh, do you think she'll love you as much as you love her, do you think she can, does she have the capacity, does a parent and a child in that dynamic, does the child have the capacity to love their parent? As much as their parent loves?

Speaker 3: You know what I'll say this about it because I think it's different. I, and I think of, it's like maybe an apples and oranges conversation. Cause I know the love I have from my parents and did that devastation that I would feel if, if anything happened to either one of them or, um, [01:10:00] the devastation that I would feel if I somehow was told by either one of them that I was making them proud or that they didn't love me or any of those things. Like that's, that's a very unique dynamic as a child. Like you're, you're always your, you know, your parents, children. And so that dynamic is its own way. And so that's, that's its own thing, but again, they can get leveled by your parents. Like even if you don't like your parents, they can level you with a few words. And it's just different on the other side of it being a parent, because I see it [01:10:30] now as like it's just different.

Speaker 3: It feels different. Like your heart fills up differently. I think, you know, as a parent, like holding your child and knowing like even when, you know, Sawyer is walking down the aisle, when she gets married or is doing whatever she's doing, she doesn't have to get married. She doesn't want to, but whatever she's doing when she's older, I just like I was there when you were first born, you know, I liked your mouth when you were drooling. And, and just again, like the heart beats in a different way almost. And like, there's like a, an overflow of just like emotion [01:11:00] at very random moments. So in that respect, I'm like Sawyer won't know that kind of love, but at the same time, like the attachment love that children feel is also something that is almost incomparable to any other kind of love you have in your life, you know, which is also very different than the love that I've shared for Annalisa.

Speaker 3: It's a different kind of respect and it's traded in a different way, you know? So I don't know, again, all these loves, I think are, are comparable in, in their level of passion, but at the same time, like you can't compare a parent and child love and [01:11:30] I'm just feel so blessed and lucky that I can actually see it from both sides now, you know, and again, like, I, I always will, you know, asterix this and preface it with like, look, it's very early stages and I'm sure it just gets bigger and bigger because it has gotten bigger and bigger. I would assume at the same time. I think that, uh, okay. And Lisa just texted me. There's a huge leak with AC system. That's great. Um, but you know, I, I just, I do think that there is, um, there are different there's, you know, they're, they're different, [01:12:00] but I would say if I had to measure them at this point, I think I will always tell somewhere that she loves me more than I love her more than she loves me. It's just the way it goes. You know what I mean? And I think by the way, my job for the rest of her life is to make her feel that I love her more than she loves me. I'm happy to make it a competition.

Speaker 2: I love it, man. Well, sounds like you got household stuff. Take

Speaker 3: Care of, sorry, but

Speaker 2: I'm glad to catch up with you more and talk about, you know, the new house and you know, more, more personal, [01:12:30] not that talking about your babies and personal stuff, but just catching up and stuff.

Speaker 3: So

Speaker 2: Talk to you for a little while then, man, I miss you brother.

Speaker 3: I miss it too. I, you know, there's not a day that goes by. I don't think that you guys and, and miss you, but as you know, we're kind of in the thick of it. So I figure you understand, but at the same time, know that my heart is in the right place in terms of, um, you know, thinking about you guys, that's Annalisa. I gotta go

Speaker 2: Pick up and tell her to say hi to me.

Speaker 3: I will knock. She's going to be about this. [01:13:00] All right. Love you,

Speaker 2: Bro.

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